I haven’t posted in a few days because I have hit what shall now be known as my “I Suck Wall” and I feel like curling up in a fetal position at the bottom of it instead of figuring out how to scale it.
So here’s what happened. Last week, I hit 4500/7000 words of my short story (64%) and I became really uninspired. I stopped caring about my character, about what happens to her. I got bored.
This then triggered feelings of worthlessness and negative thought patterns:
“Who do I think I am writing any way?”
“Who cares, it’s not like anyone except my poor friends whom I force to read my story will read it. And even that’s not for certain.”
“I suck any how. This story is stupid. Someone has already written it somewhere and it’s probably better than mine.”
“Why did I think I could ever be a writer? I can’t even finish a damn short story.”
As you can probably tell from the dearth of posts, I entered the Escape phase where I just didn’t want to deal with it. If I didn’t write on the blog, or email or talk to you Ann, or talk to anybody about it I could just pretend that it wasn’t happening, that it wasn’t a big deal, that I didn’t have time anyway, I’m too busy at work and “trying to keep my life together” (exercising, cooking, cleaning – all activities that an adult should do ANYWAY).
This is a signature Zany move.
I start off ridiculously excited about a project (see, stars and unicorns). My productivity is high, I’m pumped, the world is glitter and sparkles. I have a spring in my step.
Then, the excitement wanes but I’m still somewhat productive. I’m still accountable. This lasted quite long this time around.
Then I hit the I Suck Wall and that’s right around the time that I start quitting. Hello, quitting my old friend.
Quitting is comfortable. It’s secure. It’s flipping your hair over your shoulder and rolling your eyes and saying, “Oh, it’s not like I cared that much anyway,” (except you — I — did. Do.) But the underside of quitting is that it also feels a little shitty. Like, eating-too-much-junk-food-and-trying-to-ignore-the-weird-sugar-high-and-tummy-aches shitty. A tiny little betrayal.
But, that’s why we have this blog. To quit quitting. So, deep breaths, here I am. I suck, but I’m here.
I am now going to take up your Carol Dweck advice Ann, and let’s see where it takes me. I am going to try to get back into it.
I will keep you posted!